Resolved: I’ll blog here at least weekly. That was two weeks ago. Oops. But, I’ll put in a short post here today for discipline. No better way to remember to blog here then to do it regularly.
I also need to fix this damn theme. It’s driving me nuts.
It’s been a hard few weeks for me. There’s a loud voice in my head that tells me it’s all my fault. If I would just get my ass in gear and get my shit together I wouldn’t be feeling so overwhelmed. But the reality is that I’m overwhelmed and flailing and feel like my brain is conspiring against me. I can’t focus, I have so many tasks that need to be done and can’t get started because … I don’t know where to start.
Then there’s the procrastination, like this post.
A few minutes ago I actually tried to relax, let it go and try and find a center. All that resulted in was being asked “are you OK?” I feel like I’m holding it together by sheer act of will and stubbornness. What I really want is to climb into a hole and not come out for a month.
Here’s where I put the post away and grab the todo list and pick one thing off it to do.
Chin up. Not a failure. Still not king.
Oh, yeah. I do have a blog here. Not that anyone has yet read it or found it or anything (I suspect some nekkid pictures or more sex content will change that) but the last two months have been an whirl of insanity in our otherwise busy lives.
However, I’ve dug out my passwords and managed to log in and futz around with upgrades and stuff. I think I’ve managed to not break stuff too badly.
I didn’t buy the skirt I was talking about, but I am still thinking about it. I need to head up to the city and the various sex shops, anyway, as my favorite bullet vibrator is flaking out. The wire between battery and bullet is broken and it only works intermittently. I tried replacing it with a new one, but the new one sucks. Hate it.
It’s LOUD. Very loud. Disturbing the peace loud. It’s also not variable speed. It has variable settings, but they’re not continuous, which I like. Oh, and the LED is light-up-the-bedroom bright. Not a good vibe.
Sadly, I can’t find the same one I had before, so I’m going to need to actually go to the stores and play until I find one I like. Oh, well, more toys are good, right?
It’s Friday. It’s been a normal, crazy, mixed up, insane week around here. We’re almost prepared for our Christmas trip. Almost. OK, we have plane tickets, a place to stay and the critters won’t starve.
We were both awake before dawn today. Not sure why, but there it was. I did not want to get up, but when the trash truck came by I knew it wasn’t the middle of the night and I had to face the day. Cam wasn’t much more into getting out of bed than I was, which resulted in lots of cuddling.
At one point, we rolled over so he could spoon behind me. His erection pressed into my butt. That makes me smile and turns me on, all at the same time. Even as I sit here writing about it, I have this big, goofy grin on my face.
It’s been a week of people I know, even just bloggers I read, having relationship issues. Stress between Leesa and Phrank, Kaya and M (or tess and scott) are separating for the time being, a non-blogging friend of mine (we’ll call her C) is banging her head against her relationship. All of this really does wonderful things for making me appreciate Cam. I was chatting with C a few days ago and looked up at Cam and told him I really loved him. The deer-in-the-headlights look he gave me back was unexpected but very cute.
I do adore him. He is my world and my everything. I think I’m going to drag him off to bed.
It’s been a stressful and busy few weeks here at the VG Household. We’re both looking at mile long lists of things to do and none of it’s much fun. I’ve been feeling ‘off’ for week or so. Not sick or clearly broken, but just not at my best. The consequence of this is collapsing into bed with only a quick cuddle before one or another of us falls asleep. Last night I think we both decided to try and stay awake, but didn’t manage it. The cuddling is always nice.
It is the weekend, though, so neither of us had to get up this morning. mmmm… morning sex. Actually, we have had morning sex throughout our years of living together, even on work mornings (yay for flexible arrival times!) It seems to work well for us, and what a way to start the day! I can remember one arrival in the lab and having one of the grad students make a comment about me being a little late. I just gave him this sloppy silly grin and went to work. I think we were all pretty clear on why I was in such a cheery mood. I didn’t care though. I was pumped full of endorphins.
It’s warm here in the valley these last few days. The kitties are happy because that means they’re allowed to go out and play in the backyard. Right now, though, the sunbeams are better inside the house, and they have fanned out through the house, each in their own spot.
I am kinda bored with nothing to do, but tired enough I don’t actually want to do anything.
For some reason the commercial for the new Jennifer Aniston / Vince Vaughn DVD amuses and disturbs me all at the same time.
I know there is a standard male/female dynamic in relationships. Typically the woman has social pressures on her (often self-imposed) to keep the house clean and the male just doesn’t notice the grime piling up. This is, of course, a gross generalization and all of us could come up with other examples of different dynamics in specific couples.
Vince’s exclamation of “why would I want to do dishes?” in response to Jennifer’s comment, “I want you to want to do the dishes,” makes me roll my eyes. It’s not really Vince’s comment that does it. None of us actually want to do dishes, but, y’know, they have to get done. I tend to roll my eyes at Jennifer. No, no, sweetie, you don’t say, “I want you to want to do the dishes,” you say, “I want you to actually notice the dishes need to be done and actually do them instead of waiting for me to either do them or tell you to do them!”
Of course, I say this as a woman whose husband actually does notice when the dishes need to be done and actually does do them. While I wouldn’t say he wants to do the dishes, he does do them ’cause, well, they need to be done and we’re both adults and fully capable of noticing when the dishes need to be done (or the bathroom needs to be scrubbed or the cat boxes need to be cleaned or whatever else needs to be done around the house).
I know the stereotypes the advertised movie is supposed to be lampooning? reinforcing? I just roll my eyes a bit every time I see the ad.
After my trip to the Dark Garden tent, and purchase of a stunning corset, we continued wandering. I was feeling good. Really good. Sexy even.
The corset is stunning and one person wanted to look at it closer. At first she started to ask me if she could look at it, then stopped herself, turned to Cam and said, “Is she yours, can I touch her.” He, to his credit, didn’t try to explain the intricacies of our relationship, mentioned he owned me as much as I owned him and then granted permission for me to be examined.
The past few weeks the phrase “is she yours?” keeps running through my head with lots of warm fuzzies attached to it.
Before I met and married Cam I spent years living alone in different parts of the country. Being female and without a roommate around meant I had to either develop the confidence and coping skills to be outside alone after dark or be stuck at home. As with many other women, I am aware of my surroundings, park somewhere well lit, keep keys in my hand… all those things you’re supposed to do.
And now, just because I’m married, and I have someone around doesn’t mean I think to ask or even expect protection. That makes it even more special, even inside-meltingly-adorable, when he does something protective.
Two incidences come to mind. One, we were headed home from somewhere one evening and needed to stop for gas. I was driving. It is usual around here that whomever is driving gets to pump. I picked someplace well lit, that seemed safe, and pulled in. As I got out of the car, Cam got out with me. I remember looking at him a bit quizzically, because usually he doesn’t get out with me. He smiled and said I’m just out here being obviously male. *melt*
Earlier this week we were at the wedding. I was driving the van and it was parked a half mile or so down the waterfront from the boat. As the cruise ended and we were preparing to leave, I was going to go get the van so the brides didn’t have to walk. I looked up to tell Cam I was leaving and he asks me if I’m ready. “I’m not going to let you walk down this waterfront alone.” Once again, I melt.
It’s really hard for me to articulate why this is so special to me. I think some of it is because he doesn’t make a big deal about it and because he’s never said “no, don’t do X, that’s not safe.” Instead, he lets me do what I want or need to do, but just goes with me in order to be “obviously male.” It makes me feel treasured, but not in a fragile, doll-like, can’t take care of myself sort of way. He gives me the courtesy of treating me as someone who can take care of herself. He trusts me to be able to handle what might come up, it’s just other people he doesn’t trust.
Anyway, it’s one of those little things he does that makes me love him more every day.
Here it is Thursday and I look back and wonder where did the week go? We both have been pretty head down at work with the return from summer vacation.
As I write this, he’s channel surfing. As with many onscreen guides, some of the channel names are truncated. This leads to some cognitive dissonance. For instance the “MORMA” channel is showing “Co-ed confidential sophomores 9.”
“Wait. Wait. That’s not a porn flick on the Moman channel is it?” (yeah, yeah, mormon is spelled with an o not an a but there are days my brain makes strange connections)
“Uh. No.” (for the record it was mormax channel)
OK. So it was funnier in person than it is written down, but hey, this is the place for me to talk about the weird sex things that go through my brains. Porn flicks count! (I said so, that’s why!)
Speaking of porn flicks, I need to write a review of our newest addition to the adult film collection. The odd bit is, there was more plot than sex. Very charming movie.
When I originally started this post nearly 2 hours ago it was to share the weird thought that ran through my head a few hours back. But… focus (geeze! I just mistyped focus as fucks. I think my brain is off the rails) is not my strong point this evening.
So what was this errant thought the one that the exhibitionist part of me wants to share and the private part of me wants to bury it deep thus the disjointed post this evening, jumping around the issue. Yeah. Really. It was strange, out of the blue. Not sure where it came from. But I had this very hot thought of being bent over something and cropped. We even have a pretty, purple (unused as yet) crop and a nice ramp that is good for bending over.
Lots of mixed feelings about that, but it’s now 9:45 and I’ve been working on this post since around 7 this evening. I think it’s time to just hit publish. Thoughts and feelings and whys can be a post for tomorrow. Or this weekend.