We all come into relationships with our own bits and pieces. Living as part of a couple means accepting not only your bits and pieces but also the bits belonging to your partner. I can’t imagine it’s *easier* when there is a BDSM component.
We’ve both been stressed beyond belief lately, causing me a lot of angst. I tend to believe everything that goes wrong is My Fault. If Cam’s stressed clearly it’s because I’m not a good partner and have done something to upset him. I’m learning to trust that he will tell me if it’s me, though.
It’s not easy for me to believe in all the problems in the relationship aren’t my fault. I mean, when I was having roommate problems in college and way trying to talk to mom about it, she mom told me it was my fault. I’m still not sure how, roomie was dealing drugs out of our room and I wanted it to stop. She was a night owl and would come in at 2 and 3 in the morning and call friends. Or play video games with the sound all the way up. She stole from me and all sorts of other stuff. I actually believed this was my fault. And if I was just a better roommate that there wouldn’t be conflict between us and we would both be happier.
I learned that lesson all too well. And so when Cam is stressed and unhappy I immediately assume it’s my fault.
Last time it happened, though, I didn’t over-react. I gave him space and trusted that he’d tell me if there was something I was doing wrong. It worked, too. It wasn’t something I did and without me defensively overreacting things didn’t escalate. It was scary and felt very risky on my part, but in this case the risk paid off. We’re not stuck in conflict with each other. The stress is still there but I didn’t make it worse. This is a win to my mind.