Cam and I were talking last night and the topic ended up about my exposure to sex education as I was growing up.
“You were raised in an extremely conservative environment. Name someone who was raised more conservatively than you were.”
“Bristol Palin?” I guessed. He gave me that look and pointed out that my sex education wasn’t that different than hers.
It was a bit strange to realize the totality of my formal sexual education was abstinence only. Sex was bad and wrong before marriage. Sex was bad and wrong inside marriage unless procreation was involved. Sex was for procreation, not recreation.
The irony is that despite the emphasis on abstinence my sexual experiences were not delayed much compared to my peer group, even those neighborhood kids that weren’t indoctrinated by the Catholic church. There have been lasting effects on my attitudes towards sex and not all of them healthy.
One of the enduring lessons is that we don’t talk about sex. We don’t discuss sex. A girls job was to say no. I was never given the tools to negotiate or discuss mutual pleasure and enjoyment. To explain the mechanics Mom gave me “Preparing for Adolescence” by James Dobson. He had all of about 3 sentences relating to sex within marriage and none of them were very explanatory. Orgasm was never mentioned, just that when having sex they moved against each other until they both felt “very good.”
That was about the extent of my sexual education from my parent, with one fairly major exception. There was a lot of talk about saying no, about sex being bad and how getting pregnant would ruin my life. Birth control was never discussed at all.
One of my few distinct memories of talking about sex was a discussion in my godmother’s kitchen. Discussion is probably the wrong term, it was more a lecture. I certainly didn’t get a chance to express and opinion. The subject was the consequences of having sex. When mom was done explaining how I would be punished if I ever told them I was having sex, my godmother piped up and assured me that when mom was done I would then be turned over to her so she could kill me. Not really a good way to encourage open sharing and constructive discussions about sex.
I still have a lot of hangups around talking about sex. I’m working on being able to talk, and this blog is actually a part of exercise. It’s not easy for me to blog, even pseudonymously, but it’s somewhat safe and I think it will help. Having a understanding lover helps immensely. I know Cam would like for me to talk more about sex. He asks “what do you want” or says “tell me what to do to you.” But if I say “i can’t” there are no negative consequences. When I do answer I get what I want, which is the best type of positive reinforcement.
My name is Fiona and I am a product of abstinence only education.