The month hasn’t gotten any less stressful since I last posted. It’s finally Friday and I don’t have anything to do for the next day or two. It’s a weird feeling, not having to actually do anything.
In addition to being busy and stressful, I’ve also had a lot of responsibility. I am somewhat of a control freak, so the responsibility isn’t bad, but in terms of my sex drive and libido it can be. When I get like this, I can’t shut my brain off enough to really get into sex.
I’m sitting here, though, fantasizing about the thought of being tied down. Flogging. Limit pushing. A place to physically struggle and thrash around. Work off this nervous, stressed energy.
The strange thing is, if asked I’d say I didn’t want this. I don’t want to have to give up the control I’ve been holding over myself the last few months. I don’t want to lose control. I don’t want it.
Except I do want someone to take it from me. To lose myself in the moment and only have to do what I’m told. To drown in sensation. To drop the rational part of my mind, just for a little while.
The thought makes me hot, even as it scares me.